DEAR NEW SUB

If you are new to BDSM, or if you are veteranscene player, the most important element of a private session with a professional Dominatrix is open communication.

READ THIS BEFORE YOU COME TO THE FIRST SESSION

(Editor's Note: The article below was written by V. Elliot and it originally appeared in Domazine. It has subsequently appeared on several Internet sites. The observations are outstanding and I believe they are worth repeating once again. This long article has been slighted edited for space purposes.)

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There was just something about a villainous woman zipped into a form fitting shiny black suit. Long before I was even really sure what sex was, I discovered a very peculiar feeling building inside me anytime Julie Newmar appeared on the television screen during afternoon syndicated re-runs. More often than not, she was tying up some hapless superhero with intent to cut him in two with a giant circular saw. Too bad she never got away with it; that meddlesome Batman somehow always managed to ruin her sadomasochistic fun, and mine. Little did I realizethat funny little feeling would stay with me to this day.

Not until much later in life did I accept what that feeling meant and became aware of the opportunities that existed to act on it. I met my first professional Dominatrix by responding to a small print ad in the back of one of those alternative lifestyle weeklies. There was no photo, only a short description and a phone number. I was lucky and got more than I had ever hoped for. It was an experience I'll not soon forget.

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Several years later, professional Domination has come out of the back of city rags and into the mainstream. Fetishes and sadomasochism have been around forever, but at no other point in history has there been so much media dedicated to the subject. Professional Dominants have traded in their distorted Polaroids and misspelled ads for first-rate studio photography and corporate quality print layouts.

Dominatrices with a certain amount of notoriety have recently turned to the World Wide Web, followed by hundreds of lesser known women ready to cash in on the submissive stampede. Web pages range from stylish, well designed numbers to something little Jimmy could have put together in fourth grade computer class. It seems that any hooker with a wooden spoon and a bad attitude is calling herself a Dominatrix these days.

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This, of course, is good and bad for the submissive within us. Whether you are an hour a month client or everyday slave, your choices are practically limitless. Making the right choices, however, is often the key to ensuring a good experience. Keep in mind that being a good Dominatrix isn't a matter of putting on thigh high stiletto heeled boots and a bitchy disposition. It takes skill, intelligence, imagination, a genuine interest, and experience. The same can be said for being a good slave.

Here's some advice from someone who has been playing for about nine years, has met numerous Dominas, and only has a few bad experiences to whine about.

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Be selective: Find out as much information as possible about the Dominatrix you wish to meet. The quality of a print ad or web site will usually indicate the quality of the Domina. The ad does not have to be something out of Rupert Murdock's wet dream, but it should contain a few recent photos and up-to-date contact information. She should also clearly state her interests, equipment and wardrobe available, a description of her facilities, and her experience level. In the event these are not what you're interested inas well, find someone else. Always beware of ads with cryptic information or no photographs.

Be responsible: Call her when your told to do so, or within the times she has set aside for this purpose. Be brief and to the point on the phone, and don't ask too many detailed questions ...you'll sound like McGruff the Crime Dog. The same applies to e-mail contact. Be prepared to wait a few days for an appointment. "With the exception of multi-Domina houses, you're not likely to get an audience in the next five minutes. And for God's sake, take a shower, shave, slap on some deodorant and wear some decent clothing. How would you like it if she came to thedoor in Wrangler cut offs and flip-flops smelling of last week's garbage? Sure, if you're lucky you'll be taking your clothes off soon enough, but first impressions are everything. I view meeting a professional Domina no different than meeting a first date. If you're not sure about gifts, ask.

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Don't be cheap: Paying for professional Domination is no different than paying for any other activity you enjoy. Forgetting about the thousands of dollars a good Domina will have invested in equipment and wardrobe for a moment, you are paying for her skills above anything else. If you want to bargain shop, you'll get what you bargained for. It's also a bad idea to come up with some sort of bartering arrangement on a first meeting.

You may be able to paint like Picasso or cut wood like Norm Abrams, but keep that to yourself until a later date. She may have no interest in such arrangements and you'll look like you're trying to get something for nothing. Never offer a bartering skill you can't live up to or one that is dime a dozen. Every guy in a French maid's outfit wants to clean Mistress' house.

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Don't be shy: One thing a Dominatrix isn't good at is mind reading. You'll be in for a huge disappointment if you show up, mumble something about your foot fetish, and then get sixty minutes of boot worship. They've heard everything before and nothing you can possibly say will shock them or cause you any embarrassment.

Be very explicit about your limits or concerns. Never fake experience if you are a novice. Most Dommes enjoy beginners as long as they've researched a little and know what might interest them.

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Important note here: learn to separate fantasy from reality. What you fantasize about may be totally different when it's happening for real.

Keep an open mind: I've met my dream Domina time and time again, but those feelings come during sessions and are not based on any particular physical attribute. I am not saying that appearance does not play a major factor in my decision to see a particular Dominatrix, it does, but it's not the only motivation.

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She may be the most beautiful woman you've ever seen, but if her interests and experience level don't match your own, you'll be very disappointed. You may desperately want to submit before the girl on the cover of this month's Vogue, but it's unlikely she would be a very good Dominatrix. Keep yourself open to new experiences as well. A Dominatrix may be particularly good at something you may not have 
given much thought to, but later find you enjoy immensely. Setting rigid rules to play by or offering set scripts will stifle her creativity. Let her dominate you. It is, after all, what you came for.

Be respectful: Yes, you are the paying client and entitled to have your fantasy, but that does not give you permission to become pushy or belligerent. Do you boss around your doctor and lawyer, or do you respect their rules of engagement and advice? Whether you are a masochist, fetishist, or submissive, you are there to submit on some level. Be submissive and respect her rules.

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Be realistic: Chances are you're not going to get involved in any kind of personal relationship with a professional Dominatrix outside of the dungeon. I'm not saying this cannot or does not happen, it has, but keep yourself and your feelings in perspective. It's very easy to become infatuated with your Mistress, but unlikely she will feel the same way. Dominatrices are people just like the submissives who serve them. They have other lives, other interests, and other friends.

Avoid cyber sex: E-mails that begin with "I am a slave and will do anything you want" will get you laughed at. State your name, a brief description of yourself, general experience level, some particular interests, and perhaps a short four or five line fantasy. A Domina on the web probably receives hundreds of e-mails per day. The last thing she wants to read is pages and pages of mindless dribble. Make yourself stand out as having the potential to be a good client and she might make you her favorite slave.

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Communicate: Talk with your Domme. If a Dominatrix is not willing to take a few moments before and after meetings to discuss the session or the weather, I won't return to her again. Try to avoid the "after session ego adjustment" and let her know what you liked and didn't like, or just thank her for a wonderful experience.

Offer some things you might like to try next time. Ask her questions about some piece of equipment she has or compliment what she is wearing. Dominatrixes are proud of their equipment and wardrobe, and will usually be more than delighted to talk about them. You won't win any brownie points by zipping up your fly and leaving with a "later babe."

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Most importantly, have fun! Dominance and submission is about having fun. Personally, I view professional domination as the opportunity to live out fantasies and escape for an hour or two. Whether you like it or not, you have to return to the real world when the session ends. There are deep psycho-sexual motivations at work here, but don't wrap yourself up too tightly ... she'll be more than happy to do that for you."

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